


gardenia

by euthanasia



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Changbin is a stressed boi, Choi Yena is only mentioned for .2 seconds, Drinking, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, Hyunjin is a pretty boi, I'll write the part two soon I swear, I'm sorry Binnie ily, M/M, Partying, Swearing, hanahaki byou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-26 13:17:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18717844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euthanasia/pseuds/euthanasia
Summary: changbin swears he's not in love with hwang hyunjin.the white gardenia flowers growing in his chest say otherwise.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is a work in progress, part two will be out soon!
> 
> first, i'd like to apologize for any spelling and grammatical errors. i wrote this on a whim at 12 am with absolutely no sleep, so i'm a little disoriented.
> 
> it's been a really long while since i wrote a hanahaki au fic, so my skills may be a little rusty in this department. it still continues to be my favorite au, though.
> 
> i hope you guys like this?? haha no im kidding i don't even like this so? but anyway, thanks for clicking!

changbin's chest aches with how much stress he's under.

now, in his defense, changbin doesn't overwork  _that much_. admittedly sometimes he does stay past 2 am to work on a project or a track, and  _yes,_ maybe he forgets to eat on time sometimes-- but, to the very least, changbin knows his own limits. knows when he has to stop and give himself a break. it's not his fault that he has great stress tolerance.

but somehow, the recent events and circumstances seemed to have pushed him to his limit. first of all, there was the deadline for a big project he's currently working on. it's due in less than five days, yet he's not even halfway done through it. second, his chan-hyung's been bugging him to finish the lyrics for their new track. changbin chose to ignore it two weeks ago, saying something along the lines of  _"i'll send it to you on time, don't worry",_ but now all he can feel is regret as he tackles both his project and lyric-making.

the third reason was, well, to put it simply, hwang hyunjin.

he doesn't exactly understand why, but there's something about hyunjin that intrigues him.

the younger had enrolled in their university late, about three weeks into the first semester. at first sight it seemed like he and changbin's group of friends wouldn't get along--. hyunjin seemed a bit timid and shy, and changbin's group was anything but. until that impression was completely altered as felix introduced the boy to them a few days after his transfer. he got along with everyone well, and he wasn't timid at all. conversations with him weren't dull, and he had many stories to tell. so by popular demand, hyunjin was added into their little group.

changbin was one of the few that rarely talked to him. not that he disliked the boy or anything, it just so happened that their schedules always clashed. whenever changbin was free, hyunjin was busy, and vice versa. so despite his new addition into the group being a whole two months ago, changbin knows nothing of the younger. he's never even gotten into a solo conversation with him. all their interactions were initiated by another member of the group. 

maybe that's why he's so intrigued.

changbin likes knowing a lot of information from his friends. he wants to know their quirks, their stories and mannerisms, and he prides himself in it. he's proud of the fact that he knows jisung used to suck his thumb in his sleep til' he was fourteen, and that minho-hyung talks in third person, or that felix has a collection of plushies in his room that he can't sleep without. (not that he's judging, he can't sleep without his munchlax plushie either.)

so knowing nothing about hyunjin kinda stresses him out a little too, he thinks.

he plans on changing that though, once he's done with his projects and tracks and everything else that's been fucking up his life as of the moment. maybe he'll sit beside the boy next time they have lunch, or maybe he'll invite everyone over to his house, hoping hyunjin would say yes. either way, he's determined to expand their friendship, not only because he feels like he's going insane, but because, in a way, changbin feels like hyunjin and him would click.

granted they don't have much in common but, changbin can dream, right?

the opportunity provides itself far earlier than changbin expected, though.

he's busy brainstorming lyrics whilst munching on a burger during lunch break when hyunjin walks in the room. of course, for some god awful reason, he's the first one to notice him, looking up from his notebook to see the young boy smile at him. he sits beside changbin (he tries hard not to do a happy dance on top of the table) because seungmin, jisung and felix have already occupied the other bench, (after changbin's proclamation of "i need space!" half an hour ago.)

everyone seems to be busy, seungmin's studying for something, a textbook open in front of him, jisung has his earphones plugged in, practicing his lines, and felix is half-asleep on the table. hyunjin visibly pouts at this, wondering who he can bother. and for some reason, he chooses changbin.

he leans toward the older, looking his notebook. "what'chu writing, hyung?"

"lyrics for our track." was changbin's reply. everyone, even hyunjin, is well aware of their online group persona as 3RACHA, and fortunately their supportive enough for the three.

"cool." hyunjin replies, nodding. "can i see?"

changbin pushes his notebook to hyunjin, allowing the younger to read. hyunjin takes the notebook and reads through the page with an immersed expression, after a while, he drops the notebook with an awed expression.

"it's really good!" hyunjin praises and changbin can't help the proud feeling in his chest.

"thanks," changbin begins, "i'm kinda stuck though."

"hm," hyunjin takes the notebook again, examining the words written on the page. "maybe you could cut this line in half? and use the full line after the chorus?"

changbin nods, letting hyunjin's words sink in. an idea pops in his head. "hey, that actually sounds like a good idea."

hyunjin gives him a sweet smile. "glad to be of help."

changbin follows hyunjin's advice and erases half of the line he's already written. soon enough he feels a spark of inspiration, his onslaught of ideas finally coming to him. after a good ten minutes later, changbin's finally finished.

he closes his notebook with a small sigh. "finally."

"finished?" hyunjin asks, changbin replies with a curt nod.

"fucking finally." he runs a hand through his hair. "i actually thought i would never finish that thing."

hyunjin chuckles a little and that ends their conversation, his attention being captured by something on his phone. everyone else is still busy so changbin takes a deep breath and relaxes.

for a second he realizes that his sudden spark of inspiration might have been caused by hyunjin. he mentally shakes this thought, forcing himself to believe that it was just coincidental. 

thankfully, the bell rings not soon later, which causes felix to jolt as his precious sleep has been disrupted. the boys stand up and head to their next classes.

 

* * *

 

changbin meets hyunjin a good three days later.

he's finally finished his fucking project and he feels so incredibly tired that he could actually collapse in his bed and sleep for a good twenty days.

before he could, though, his roommate jisung barges into the room like he owns the fucking place. he sits up, ready to scold the boy when he realizes he has company. 

and that company so happens to be hyunjin.

fucking hell.

of course jisung would invite him on the one time changbin looked like literal hell.

"hey hyung." "hi binnie-hyung." 

he replies with a grunt before he collapses back into bed, facing against the wall because he doesn't want any of them to question the warmth in his cheeks.

a few minutes later, changbin's already teetering on the edge of slumber when sudddenly he's disrupted by two teenage boys cackling. he grunts and faces the two, who are sat in jisung's bed, snacking on some chips and laughing at something jisung's phone.

"ya." he grunts. "be quiet."

jisung rolls his eyes, "yeah yeah."

hyunjin looks apologetic, though, "sorry hyung."

changbin then decides to lie on his back, facing the ceiling. he's sleepy, but the sound of plastic crinkling and chips munching kind of keeps him awake. he doesn't scold to two though, he figures he'll fall asleep sooner or later.

"oh shit." he hears jisung curse. "chan hyung wants me to run to his place real quick."

"oh." he hears hyunjin this time.

"i'll be quick, you can stay here, yeah?"

"what about changbin-hyung?" 

"don't worry about him, just let him sleep." and he hears the door shut not long after.

the following silence feels deafening to him, so he rolls over to his other side to see hyunjin laying on jisung's bed, scrolling through his phone. there's bags of chips all over the bed and changbin cringes at the mess. (hey he's a clean kid, what can he do?)

hyunjin glances at him and a shocked expression can be seen on his face. "oh, you're awake hyung."

"yeah." changbin pretends that he's just woken up, even rubbing his eyes for effect. "where's sung?" 

"went to chan-hyung. he said he'll be quick." hyunjin says.

awkward silence fills the air afterwards, and changbin only worsens it by letting out a fake cough. hyunjin returns to his phone though, so changbin is left with no ideas on what to do.

"so," he starts "how've you.. been?"

 _wow, amazing social skills, seo._ he scolds himself mentally. hyunjin doesn't seem to fazed by his awkwardness though.

"i've been well! a little pressured because i have to choreograph something for a project." hyunjin says.

"bet you'll do really well though." changbin doesn't lie, he's seen hyunjin's dancing skills about three times and he's quite amazed every time.

"thanks." there he goes with his beautiful smile again, fuck--. "how about you, hyung?"

"i'm good." he says, before he adds, "just finished my project."

"that's good." hyunjin's grin doesn't waver, and it makes changbin re-think his life choices.

they talk for a bit more, mostly hyunjin asking things about the group, like how 3RACHA was formed. changbin answers him in full detail, happy that he's finally got his 'solo time' with hyunjin.

"so woojinie hyung and chan hyung are dating?" hyunjin asks.

"mhm. so are minho and jisung." changbin says.

"yeah i kinda got that already." hyunjin chuckles, and hyunjin does too. minho and jisung's pda gets worse as days go by.

"how 'bout you, hyung?" hyunjin asks, "you dating anyone?"

"nah. i kinda like someone though."

 _shitting fuck--_. changbin mentally punches himself for not having his brain-to-mouth filter on.  _this is amazing changbin you're so great you fucking loser._

"oh, who?" the dancer's expression is a mix of curiosity and excitement, changbin almost fucking cooes.

unfortunately (or fortunately for changbin), the door swings open mid-conversation, and jisung walks inside the room.

"hey, sorry i left." he meets changbin's eyes as he takes off his shoes. "oh hey bin hyung."

"hey sung." changbin fights the happy noise on the back of his throat. he didn't really want to answer hyunjin. "what'd chan-hyung say?"

"just asked me stuff about the track. he messaged you as well but i told him you were dead asleep." 

"mh." he nods.

soon hyunjin and jisung fall into another conversation. changbin zones out, eyes stuck on hyunjin. he knew the younger was attractive, if the constant squeals from girls and the love letters the younger always had wasn't enough of a reminder, then his face definitely was. but only know did his visuals sink into changbin's brain that he can't take his eyes off, oogling his lips and eyes and  _oh my god his jawline looks so good from this angle--_

"hyung? you ok?" changbin turns to jisung so fast he thinks he got a whiplash. the squirrel-looking teen has a small smirk in his face, and changbin glares at him. hyunjin looks oblivious though (or changbin hopes he is.)

"yeah." changbin lets out a cough. "i'm gonna go.. shower. bye."

he didn't even wait for a reply as he ran into the bathroom and locked the door.

 

* * *

 

 

hyunjin doesn't leave changbin's mind for weeks.

it's a serious hindrance to changbin, as his everyday thoughts get replaced with  _where is hyunjin what is hyunjin doing has hyunjin eaten yet would hyunjin like this hyunjin hyunjin hyunjin--_

and plus, their only interactions were fleeting glances in the hallway and rushed hellos as changbin sits for lunch and hyunjin stands for his next class.

changbin thinks he's going insane, and apparently he's not the only one.

the topic comes up at a shared lunch break with the others, excluding jeongin, woojin, and-- thank god, hyunjin.

of course, jisung is the one to initiate. "hey, did you guys know that changbin has a crush on hyunjin?"

"shut up, i do not!" changbin defends, but the blush in his cheeks (since when did he blush?) is a dead giveaway.

"yeah you do, hyung. i've seen you stare at him a million times." beside him, felix teases and he elbows the younger.

"i _do not_ have a crush on him." he proclaims, but he only gets sarcastic hums as a reply.

thankfully they leave the topic after a while, and minho begins rambling about something changbin didn't quite catch. his thoughts are filled with hyunjin, thinking about the boy has become routine now, and it's seriously bothering him, but he can't stop.

"--she looked terribly pale and ill, then she started coughing up flowers, carnation, i think, during our exams. there were so many it was insane. she was sent to the hospital soon after."

"wait, wait, who?" minho's sentence catches changbin's attention.

"choi yena. she was in my class." minho says.

"wait, so it was legit flowers? it wasn't like, fake or anything?" felix asks in a curious tone.

"no, it was real carnation." 

changbin is shocked at the statement. he's heard of this condition before, hanahaki, he thinks. it's quite a rare condition where people who experience unrequited love grew flowers in their chest, and if they start growing too much the person would have no choice but to cough them out. currently there's no cure for the disease, which explains the sad aura between the boys.

"i hope she gets better." chan hums.

"i doubt it," seungmin says, earning a reprimand from chan. "what? i'm just saying. statistically there's only a 95% chance of survival of patients with hanahaki disease."

"you mean there's really no cure?" jisung asks.

seungmin ponders for a bit. "well, there is one. but it's rare. there's only a 5% chance that it'll work."

"what is it?"

"true love."

the boys burst out laughing, even changbin. seungmin sounded honest for a second.

"why are you laughing? it's the truth! hanahaki is caused by unrequited love. but if the person they love starts to reciprocate their feelings, that might cure them." seungmin explains.

"so the illness just magically disappears?" minho asks with an eyebrow raised, not believing seungmin for a second.

"i don't know, i'm not a doctor!" seungmin pouts, arms crossed. the others begin to coo at the younger boy, but changbin is too distracted.

he's scared for a second, as his thoughts drift on to hyunjin, but then he shakes his head. 

 _i'm not in love with hyunjin._ he tells himself. _and besides, even if i was, hanahaki is rare. i probably won't catch it._

changbin hangs on to these words for a long time.

 

* * *

 

 

changbin dislikes parties.

they're always too loud and the cheap liquor provided is usually not up to changbin's taste. the only reason he's tagged along is because jisung threatened to lock him out their dorm if he didn't, but jokes on him because now he has to deal with a grumpy, sober changbin.

the others(minus jeongin, and also seungmin who decided to accompany the youngest) are having fun dancing and drinking, and changbin's left on a couch in the back of the room, scrolling through his phone. jisung's left to make out with minho, and changbin doesn't really want to tag along for that. he'd rather stay alone and bitter on this gross couch, thank you.

he is surprised though, when someone settles beside him. he glances to see hyunjin sat beside him. his brain short-circuits for a second because  _oh my god what the fuck_ hyunjin looks impeccable. he's wearing a tight shirt tucked into his black jeans, a belt and a leather jacket to match. he's got a few rings adorning his fingers and changbin's never noticed before but hyunjin's wearing a few piercings on both ears. his eyes finally meet hyunjin's and whatever intellectual phrase or sentence he had gets stuck on the back of his throat like a hairball because  _is hyunjin wearing eyeliner oh god he looks so good i'm--_

"--hyung, hey, you ok?" hyunjin waves a hand on his face, making changbin focus again.

"y-yeah, yeah sorry, just a little dizzy. there's a.. lot of people here." changbin lies. he's nowhere near claustrophobic, and he feels sorry for lying, but he's not about to say,  _'no i was staring at your eyes because they seem to hold the universe'_ is he?

"oh, you wanna go somewhere quieter, then?" hyunjin asks and changbin curses. why is this boy so nice? it wouldn't hurt for him to be a little mean, just enough to drag changbin back to earth so he doesn't have to keep thinking about how hyunjin's fingers would look so nice interlaced with his.

"okay." he replies. then they're both up, walking outside to the backyard.

surprisingly no one's outside. they sit in one of the benches next to the coolers, and only then does changbin realize how much people were inside and his chest tightens a little. again, he's usually not claustrophobic but he ignores it, at least because of this his lie is a little bit more believable.

"not a fan of parties?" hyunjin asks and changbin fights the urge to look at him again. looking at him would either mean getting lost in his eyes or having another unpredictable urge that he probably can't fight. maybe the urge to kiss him, or something else.

"never liked them." changbin says.

hyunjin hums in agreement. "me too. but felix dragged me, so."

changbin nods. hyunjin opens one of the coolers, fishing out a beer and handing it to changbin. changbin may drink rarely, but he's no lightweight (unlike jisung.) so he accepts it and opens the tab, takes a swig and gulps down the cheap taste of beer.

hyunjin takes a swig as well, and changbin can't help but smirk. "never pictured you to be a drinker."

the younger chuckles. "i don't usually drink, but i can loosen up sometimes."

changbin can't help but chuckle as well as he takes another swig. he huffs after, grunting.

"what beer is this?" he checks the label. "tastes weird." there's a weird feeling in his chest that he can only blame the beer for.

"tastes okay to me." hyunjin shrugs. "you alright?"

changbin sucks in a breathe. "yeah." he drops the can beside him. "i think i'll stay sober tonight."

hyunjin nods and they both fall into comfortable silence. changbin's chest still feels a little tight, but suddenly all his inhibitions disappear once he feels hyunjin lean on his shoulder. the younger is warm, and he fears he's only doing this because he's tipsy, but he decides,  _fuck it, when will this ever happen again?_ he wraps an arm around the younger's waist, pulling him close so that his back is flush against his chest. his cheeks feel warm from their position, but honestly changbin feels too giddy that he thinks he might have actually drank too much without realizing.

"i like this better." hyunjin says. "parties are always too hectic."

changbin hums. "mh."

then, hyunjin is giggling, confirming changbin's earlier thoughts. "if only felix didn't drag me."

"sungie dragged me here too. threatened me, even." changbin laughs. "that brat should be thankful that i didn't whoop his ass."

hyunjin laughs, and changbin makes a decision that it's the best thing he's ever heard so far, and that should say something because he's a music major.

"lix should be thankful too." there's a slight slur in his words, but it's nothing too intense. changbin finds it endearing. "he should be thankful i like him."

 

 

.

_oh._

"you.. you like him?" changbin fights the unexplainable feeling in chest, but thoughts are running faster than his mouth and he can't stop the sound of disappointment laced in his voice.

"yeah." hyunjin nods, serious for a moment. "he was the one who introduced me to you guys, remember? he's so nice. i-i think i've fallen for him, hyung." 

"oh." changbin feels his head throbbing. "that's nice.. then."

someone comes running out to the backyard, it's felix. "there you guys are! c'mon, we're playing truth or dare!"

changbin fights the urge to cry tight there. he gets up, gently pushing hyunjin off of him. "i think i should head home. tell jisung i've gone."

his steps are hurried as he walks out, choosing to walk around the house and into the sidewalk.

he doesn't dare look back.

 

* * *

 

 

the next day, changbin felt hungover despite having two gulps of beer last night.

he feels like shit, to say it shortly. his  _everything_ hurts and he groans in pain as he gets out of bed. jisung's asleep in his own bed, and changbin doesn't even spend a second to think of the time the younger went home.

he's rushing to the bathroom, begging for a good shower when he notices his reflection in the mirror. not only does he feel sick he  _looks_ sick. he's as pale as snow and his eyes look unfocused. as if on cue, his chest starts aching and a cough rises up on his throat. he lets it out, and another out, and another, until he's having a full on coughing fit. but unlike normal coughs, these  _hurt._ it feels as if something's stuck in his throat that he can't get out.

he kneels beside the toilet, thinking he's about to vomit. he coughs and coughs until finally, whatever was in his throat finally comes out.

only, it isn't bile.

it's a lone, white petal, placed on his palm. the petal's covered in blood, and in shock, changbin can't help but feel  _actual_ bile come up his throat, so he leans on the toilet to vomit it all out.

"hyung, wha..?" he turns around to see jisung, confusion stricken on his face. "why are you crying?"

changbin didn't even realize, but now that he's made a move to wipe his tears, he bursts out sobbing, curling against himself.

"hyung..?" jisung's quick to sit beside him, rubbing his back. 

jisung notices the blood in changbin's hand. "what happened, hyung?"

changbin unclenches his fist to show the flower.

"oh, hyung.."

 _oh hyung_ indeed, jisung.

 


	2. two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> changbin thinks love is stupid.
> 
> he should know. he has a whole garden growing in his chest because of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be honest with you, i don't like how this turned out, AT ALL. but uh, here you go, i guess? like the part one, i made this on a whim so this is definitely very messy. still hoping that you could at least appreciate it though?? maybe?? but enjoy? i guess?

changbin's condition only gets worse as time flies.

for the first few days, he was fine. jisung had said otherwise, telling him to go to the hospital, in which changbin reasoned that (1), he has no money to pay for the expenses, and (2), he's fine. he doesn't need medical help. yet.

so he sucks it up and pretends nothing even happened. jisung has made a pact to tell no one, and surprisingly, he kept his word (forgive changbin for being surprised, usually jisung only lasts for about three minutes before cracking and telling everyone alive about a secret he's kept).

everything goes haywire four days later.

he hasn't coughed a petal since that morning in the bathroom, which makes him assume that it was just some fever dream he and jisung had shared. his assumption is broken though, when he wakes up at four in the morning due to a coughing fit. the familiar pain in his throat is back, and it only takes about a minute before he's retching flower petals on his bed. most of them are covered in blood, and before changbin realizes, he's doubled over on the side of the bed, hurling bile  _and_ flower petals.

he feels a hand rubbing at his back, and he doesn't even notice jisung waking up, but the younger's at his side immediately, letting his warmth comfort the older. once changbin's fit is over, he's curling up against jisung, tears streaming down his face as sobs wrack against his body. jisung is saying something he can't quite decipher, he's dizzy and nauseous and he absolutely hates this feeling. 

"go wash up, hyungie. i'll clean this up." jisung states, giving him a smile. changbin can only nod, weakly dragging himself to the bathroom.

he locks the door behind him, removing all his clothes after. before he could even step inside the shower, he's met with his reflection in the mirror. he looks the same as he was the first day he started coughing flowers, his skin as pale as paper, eyes clouded and unfocused, there's a bit of blood on his bottom lip that he wipes off, before sighing and moving to the shower.

when he walks back in to the room, jisung's sat on changbin's bed. the younger motion's him over, and he complies. he snuggles against the younger, sighing as jisung soon falls asleep. changbin buries his face in jisung's chest, masking the smell of bleach the other had probably used to clean up.

when they wake up a few hours later, none of them say a word.

 

* * *

 

 

changbin's distracted the whole week, which surprises everyone but him. the group knows something is wrong, yet they don't say anything. changbin is usually open with his problems, or if he isn't, jisung's there to pry it out of him. but even the younger says nothing, so they assume everything is fine, maybe changbin just needs some space.

he doesn't see hyunjin either, so that's good. he feels like the flowers in his chest will start to bloom and rise if he sees the younger. he meets felix a few times though, but he feels nothing. he isn't bitter, or hurt. but the young australian continues to be an awful reminder of the garden growing inside him.

jisung sits to him on one lunch break. it's just the two of them.

"hey hyung," the younger chirps as he sits beside the older. "i did some research on your.. flowers."

"mh." changbin hums, eyes concentrated on the food he's barely eaten.

"some doctors think there's a cure; but it's quite a stretch. takes about a seven-hour surgery and dozens of medications.. and there's only a 70% success rate, but i-i think it's worth the shot hyung." changbin has never seen jisung's current expression. his eyes are concentrated, his tone serious, although changbin can pinpoint the slight inkling of fear laced in his voice.

"i'll think about it." is changbin's short reply. he isn't lying, he's thinking about it, but honestly he doesn't really know what to do. only now does it sink in, that he's  _ill._ he's sick. sick with a disease that has absolutely no cure.

his mind wanders to minho's story, that of the girl in his class who got taken to the hospital. come to think of it, there's no other news on that girl now. changbin doesn't want to think about it, but he can imagine himself exactly in her predicament.

for a split second, changbin remembers something else. seungmin's allegedly researched cure.  _true love._

just thinking of those words make changbin laugh. because (1), it's so stupid. love is stupid. he should know. a whole-ass field is growing inside his chest just because his love isn't reciprocated back, and (2), it's funny because, deep inside he knows. he knows that hyunjin is never going to feel the same. hyunjin will never love him, and changbin feels like his heart's been pierced with the thought. changbin's laughing, but his eyes are glazed with tears, and it's so bittersweet.

"what's so funny?" there's a voice beside him, cutting his thoughts and his laughter. he realized how crazy he must've looked insane, laughing at nothing on his own. 

"nothing. just thought of something." he tells woojin, who then ignores him completely.

he doesn't notice the worried glances the boys exchange, and the sad expression in jisung's face.

 

* * *

 

 

chan and woojin finds out about the flowers two days later.

jisung and him are over their place, working on a track. or at least, changbin is trying. the feeling of nausea is back, but he sucks it up and tries to work. albeit unsuccessfully, chan and jisung already have a whole page of lyrics written down, all the while changbin has barely wrote four words. when chan questions this, all he says is "writer's block." and that seems to work for a while.

woojin comes to feed the three, a task they're unable to do when they're this far in composing. he sets three bowls of ramen on the table, gesturing to the three.

"eat."

chan follows, and jisung does as well. changbin is the last to pick up his bowl, not because he has no appetite or because he's busy writing, but because the smell and sight of the food increased his nausea. he doesn't want to be rude to woojin, though, so he picks up his chopsticks and tries to swallow a small portion of noodles.

that is until he feels his throat clogging up again. he haphazardly places the bowl back into the table, running to the bathroom to vomit. after he does this, a coughing fit soon follows. soon enough the floor is littered with flowers, the normal amount of metals seem to have doubled, and there's more blood that it stains changbin's jeans.

"changbin what the fuck?!" he hears chan yell from the door, but he's too busy hacking out flowers and blood that he can't be bothered to look. 

he hears ruckus outside, and feels a hand rubbing his back. must be jisung, he guesses. once his coughing fit's over, he's slouched on the wall, with blood on his jeans, hands and chin. the room is spinning, and he feels so weak, even raising his hand seems to be the hardest task right now. jisung is saying something, his expression looks worried. changbin opens his mouth to comfort the younger, but nothing comes out. his eyelids droop, and soon enough, black envelopes his vision, and he's unconscious in jisung's arms.

 

* * *

 

 

waking up was quite a task.

his eyelids feel heavy, and the bright light from the ceiling pierces his vision. it takes a few seconds to realize that he's in a hospital bed, and another to realize that he's not alone. there are eight boys in the room, he counts. everyone's here, he realizes.

even hyunjin.

the sight of the boy clogs his throat, and he starts coughing again. this time, he feels weaker and the pain the accompanies the coughing fits are tripled. there's a bucket in front of him to catch the flowers, blood and bile that he let's out. he doesn't realize this, but tears are streaming down his face as he does so, from physical or emotional pain, he doesn't know. all he knows is that it  _hurts._ and it  _hurts like hell._

once he's done, there's a lady wiping at his mouth, and a glass cup is pressed against his lips. the nurse feeds him water and painkillers, which do absolutely nothing, he figures disappointedly. the rest of the boys are gone, he notices. they must've been pushed out when he started coughing.

 _good._ he thinks as he lays back on the bed.  _i don't want them to see me like this._

a bitter laugh comes out of his throat, and soon he's crying whilst he's laughing.  _how did i end up like this?_ he roughly wipes his tears with the back of his hand.  _why me?_  

before the nurse leaves his room, he requests a dose of sleeping pills.

 

* * *

 

 

the next time he wakes up, the first thing he sees is hyunjin.

surprisingly, his throat doesn't get clogged up, nor does he cry (but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to).

"hey hyung." the younger gives him an apologetic smile. "hope you get well soon."

he notices the side table filled with cards and chocolate, and even his munchlax plushie, gyu. he reaches out for the toy, only for hyunjin to beat him to it, taking the stuffed pokemon and handing it to changbin.

"thank you." he mouths. he's too tired to talk.

"i just want you to know hyung that i- we're here for you. you'll get through this, okay?" hyunjin smiles. "i have to go to dance class now. i'll see you hyung."

the younger stands, but before he leaves, he leans down, towards changbin's face, and leaves a small peck in his cheek. on a normal day this would have made changbin smile, fighting off a happy little squeal in the back of his throat.

instead all he fights is the urge to cough a whole bouquet in his lap. hyunjin smiles, unaware of changbin's predicament, and leaves.

the door closes and the garden in changbin's chest grows faster.

 

* * *

 

 

his parents visit a day later. the three of them talk, at least changbin would like to think he did. all he did was nod, shake his head, and cough up an occasional petal every five sentences. they've agreed to perform a surgery, but since changbin's case has gotten worse over time, it'll take 12 hours before the operation's finished. the doctors don't say this, but changbin knows that even then, it probably won't be successful.

still, his parents seem to hold on to this, so he does, as well.

before the operation begins, the boys come to visit. each of them talk to changbin in private. the first is jisung, and the older rapper notes that he's already crying before he's entered the room. the rest are quite similar, some of them bursting into tears, and others crying as they smile. it only makes changbin guilty for making them go through this. if only he could do something about it.

the last is hyunjin. of course he is.

the younger smiles as he enters the room. "hey hyung." changbin already feels his throat clogging, but he somehow manages to suppress it this time.

"i'm not gonna say much more, since the rest have probably already said it, but--" hyunjin takes a deep breath. "i really, really miss you bin-hyung. i hope after this we can go out for coffee or play video games at my place." changbin smiles at the thought. "remember that time when were at that party? in the backyard?" 

changbin nods. his mind won't let him forget.

"i wish we could go back to that, y'know? so i can tell you how much i care for you." hyunjin sighs. the sound makes changbin's heart hurt. "but no matter, we can always do that again after your surgery, right? can we go out for a drink, my treat?" hyunjin looks at him with so much hope that changbin can't help but nod.

"great." hyunjin stands with a small smile. "i'll see you then, hyung?" 

hyunjin leaves and the flowers in his chest are begging to bloom.

 

* * *

 

 

hyunjin and jisung end up staying in the waiting room. the others have headed home when one of the nurses had forced them to leave, saying that only two can remain to wait if they wanted. by unanimous decision jisung was left, and hyunjin had begged the others to let him stay, so they let him. jisung is passed out in on of the chairs, snoring soundlessly, whilst hyunjin sits beside him, giddy and unable to relax.

he's worried about changbin. despite them not having the closest relationship in the group, hyunjin still cares for his hyung. there's a voice in the back of his mind telling him to stay, to support for his hyung. 

only at around 3 am does he start to get drowsy, the quiet atmosphere of the hospital and jisung's exhales lull him to sleep.

 

he wakes a few hours later. someone is shaking his shoulders, felix. jisung is still asleep beside him so he elbows the boy to wake him up.

"what time is it?" he asks, stifling a yawn.

"around 7." felix says. that means there's only an hour left before changbin's surgery is finished.

he looks around the room and realizes it's only him, felix, jisung, woojin, and changbin's parents. the rest must've had classes. they sit in the waiting room, watching as the seconds tick by. jisung, as impatient as ever, starts pacing around the room.

woojin smacks him in the head and tells him to sit, in which the boy obliges, but now he starts to bounce his leg and it seems to annoy woojin-hyung even more. before the older could even protest, the door of the operating room bursts open, and a doctor comes out.

the doctor takes his facemask off. "changbin's immediate family?"

his parents raise their hands and the doctor gestures them to come closer. this only expands hyunjin's curiosity and it takes all of his willpower not to eavesdrop on their conversation.

felix is beside him, and he must've noticed the other dancer's nervousness because there's a hand holding his, fingers laced with the other. 

this should have comforted the him, but now he feels nothing but worry for his hyung inside the operating room.

soon enough the doctor begins to leave and the boy's begin to question changbin's parents.

"what did he say?" "is changbin okay?" "when can we see him?" "was it successful?"

the only response they get is changbin's mother bursting into tears.

hyunjin is immediately swallowed by the feeling of dread.

"no." he hears jisung say. "no, wait changbin hyung is-" 

"what did the doctor say?!" hyunjin yells, but he can't help it. he needs to know that changbin is okay. he _has_ to.

"i'm sorry boys." it's changbin's father who speaks, and everyone can hear the sorrow in his voice. "he's gone."

no.

_no._

"you're lying." hyunjin's mouth moves faster than his brain. his eyebrows knit in confusion. no. his changbin-hyung is alive and healthy and breathing in that damn operating room. "that doctor is lying!" he yells.

"hyunjin." there's a hand on his shoulder and it takes a moment for him to realize that woojin is holding him to keep him from thrashing out to changbin's parents.

"no, changbin is alive! he's right there, through that door, we can meet him, just let me through, hyung, let me-!" soon there are nurses and guards pulling him from the waiting room. his mind is running a hundred miles per hour.

"hyunjin, let's just go, c'mon. l-let's go home." woojin's beside him again once the nurses let him go outside the waiting room. he's breathing heavily, and it only takes five seconds before he's collapsed on to the floor, hands in his head, sobs wracking through his body.

"hyung.." he manages to croak out. "changbin hyung- i-we were.. i was s'posed to-" 

"shh, let's just go home, o-okay?" he hears woojin fighting his own sobs, and soon, through his blurry vision, he sees jisung and felix walk out the hospital room.

he thinks of putting up a fight. if he was fast enough he could run through these doors and into the operating room. then, he'd see changbin hyung, sitting on the hospital bed as healthy as ever. he'd smile at him then, telling him he was okay, he'd probably joke about hyunjin owing him a drink. and then they'd walk out the hospital, go home with the others. everything would be normal again.

but another part of his brain drags him back to reality.  _changbin's gone._

he decides to follow that part of his brain. "o-okay. let's go home."

besides, he's not wrong. changbin is gone.

and there's nothing he could do about it.

 

* * *

 

 

a couple weeks later, everyone is gathered to see changbin one final time. it's supposed to be a solemn event, but the boys decide that changbin wouldn't like that, so they spice it up. they crack jokes, drink beer and have fun. for a moment they forget about the big gaping hole in their chests that changbin made when he died, and they feel happy.

albeit it's a bittersweet feeling, but they know this is what changbin would have wanted.

when they watch as changbin's casket is lowered on to the ground, no more tears were shed. changbin is in a better place. it's the only thought that kept them from breaking apart at the seems.

when it's over, everyone's heading off, even the boys. but hyunjin stays for a while, holding a lone, white flower in his hand.

"gardenia." 

he turns to see jisung beside him, holding the same flower.

"the flower we're holding. it means purity and secret love. it's the same as the one's that grew in his chest." 

"of course it does." he replies.

hyunjin smiles, holding on to changbin's memory one last time, before dropping the flower by his tomb.

"hey.. did you ever find out who changbin hyung was in love with?" hyunjin asks, facing jisung once he was done placing his flower on the tombstone.

jisung stiffens beside him. "uh. yeah."

"who was it?" 

jisung opens his mouth, ready to speak, but he hesitates.

"no one." he says. "just an old childhood friend."

"oh." hyunjin nods.

then, silence fills the air.

"it's a pity." hyunjin sighs. 

jisung's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "why?"

"i wish i could've told him, y'know." hyunjin sighs. "told him that i loved him before he left."

jisung's eyes widen at the confession, but hyunjin doesn't think any of it. "y-you loved him?"

"yeah. how could i have not? i told him i liked felix but that was a lie. i regret not telling him. i really do." a tear falls down in his cheek. he doesn't move to wipe it.

"i'm sure he's listening now, though." jisung says.

"well, if you are, changbin-hyung. just know that i love you. i'll see you soon, okay?" he places a hand on his tombstone for a few seconds, before turning to leave, jisung following suit.

in the end, turns out changbin was right.

love is stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i love changbin i swear. 
> 
> kudos and feedback are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! kudos and feedback are always appreciated! (even though i probably don't deserve it-- heck, a girl can dream, can't she?)


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